Tips from a hungover nerd

I do this for the kids and the 3 people in the United States that don’t know how to drink:

  • You are always more drunk than you think you are, I don’t care how good at judging things you are, you’re more drunk than you think.
  • If the room is spinning, closing your eyes will only make it spin faster.
  • Friends are the best thing ever when drunk, especially if they are sober, they can watch for signs that you are more messed up than you should be.
  • Drinking alone is a recipe for sobbing, try to avoid it.
  • Drinking in bars while considered social by many is crowded and not worth the 6$ white russian, they will suck 9 times out of 10.
  • Go to bars to watch the people in the bars, it’s free and far more entertaining.
  • Find a bar where they know you, being another number can be fun some nights, but having a bar keeper who knows you’re not just interested in reaching up their blouse is always much nicer [this of course implies all bar keepers are women, which we know is not true]
  • Water, it’s a miracle drug and a great way to cure a hang over. All other recipes save chemically formulated ones that come in nice bottles are likely bullshit.
  • You are not as funny as you think you are while drunk
  • Seriously, water, it’s the best thing ever.
  • If you want to drink socially but not be plastered, order a meal. That way you can remain sober while your friends are playing the vomit dart game.
  • Caffeine and Alcohol are a mixture that will put your ass on the floor, pure and simple. I’ve had a lot of different drinks in my time (Wine, Champagne, Vodka, etc.) pretty much anything you can think of I’ve tried at least once. And nothing, and I do mean nothing comes close to the stopping power of a 23 Ounce of Four Loko. That shit is bad…
  • On the same note Vodka and or Yeager and red bull are also NOT a winning combination, that shit will put you on the lawn.
  • Drink while happy, not while sad
  • Drinking while sad will allow emotions that you can usually keep repressed to come pouring out making you look all kinds of foolish
  • Always give huge props to the ones who aren’t drinking, they are doing you and everyone else a favor in that situation and can pull you out of the fire.
  • Be willing to be that guy who doesn’t drink from time to time, it’s always good to shake things up.
  • If you are getting black out drunk, Let someone know, there are medical conditions that can come up when you are that drunk and someone needs to know. Never get black out drunk unless there is someone there that can rush your soon to be yellow ass to the hospital.
  • If you feel like you’ve got to hurl, don’t try to hold it in, walk to the bathroom and aim for areas that can be rinsed down a drain, bonus points if you’re going for a toilet
  • Bar bathrooms are the most disgusting thing you have ever seen.
  • Never accept free mixed drinks from people you don’t know, frat parties have put more than 1 girl under.
  • Wear sunscreen
  • If the name sounds spanish, drink with caution. If the name sounds east asian, drink with dinner.
  • The local liquor store will never sell Klingon Blood Wine, but keep trying anyway.
  • It’s all fun and games until you get duck taped to a couch
  • If you pass out with your shoes on, you’re fair game, remember this when keeping your shoes on.
  • Drinking will make you sleepy, keep this in mind.
  • Drinking in excess will knock your ass out without question or hesitation.
  • Avoid being near people you have secrets to keep from, you may spill them.
  • Never looks good on a first date to be the first that hits the table.
  • First dates which hit the table before you should be evaluated before proceeding
  • Avoid microphones unless you don’t mind blackmail
  • Truckers will drink you under the table 9 times out of 10.
  • Never play drinking games that involve live insects
  • Never play drinking games that involve dead insects.
  • Don’t drink with your family unless you’re prepared to deal with what will come out from all parties involved.
  • Grandma is always funnier when drunk.
  • Anger management issues and alcohol are never winning combinations, the only winning move is not to play.
  • Depression and alcohol is also not a bright affair.
  • Order something with ice in it at the bar, if it has more ice than booze it’s time to move.
  • Cougars are always on the prowl, be prepared with cougar spray (e.g. sacrifice your friend).
  • If you are the friend being sacrificed, do your best to pile on as much emotional baggage as you can, the more it looks like sleeping with you will result in a trip to the hospital in a month or two the better.
  • Some cougars are turned on by this, watch out for warning signs (Covered in the 3 part manual on “Cougars and you, knowing when it’s just not good”)
  • Rich cougars will not give you their money, nice try though.
  • And of course… remember your liver is not a Time Lord, it may regenerate, but not like that.
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2 Responses to Tips from a hungover nerd

  1. tamiller41 says:

    sounds like you got totally hammered. from experience it will take a good 24 hrs to feel human again. coffee. lots of coffee and water. and sleep.

    i hope you were not drinking alone. that is a disaster in itself. yuk. never alone. and then you have to face the freind who was brave enough to see you in your drunken state of embarressment. ahhh yes the memories we make while stupid drunk and depressed.

  2. Kenneth Miller says:

    Lol.. that was funny! But I know something that would definitely hep you, it’s a drink called Security Feel Better, and you drink before going to bed.. next day you wake up with no hangover… Incredible!

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